Category: motherhood

When “no” is best…

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I don’t know anyone that likes to be told “no.” Doesn’t matter if they are two and want a cookie instead of a nap, or forty-five and desiring a book deal. Hearing no as the answer hurts sometimes.  It’s also practically impossible for some of us to say!  I have the hardest time telling people no to almost any request. It’s challenging to find the right balance. Sometimes I just know deep down that I have to say no but I can’t explain it to people, and sometimes it makes no sense to anyone else. So for a very long time I was a “yes girl.”

“Vicki, we need someone to bake muffins for visitation.

Sure, I can do that. “

Nevermind that the kiddos need my attention in the afternoons when I’m baking,

and I’m working from home full-time.

“Vicki, we need a meal for someone who just had a baby.

Sure, I can do that.”

Nevermind that I won’t be home all week because the kids have practices

and I’m teaching in between.

I could go on, but I think you get the point. I have struggled with saying no to extra responsibilities for YEARS.  I like being a yes girl and I like being patted on the back or thanked for being so helpful. Pitiful.  Drive myself into the ground and become #1 grump to my own family, just for this.

Over the last few years, the Lord has been working in my own heart to learn to be honest in my abilities and capabilities instead of just relying on my default yes.  See I know the Bible teaches the principle of “counting the cost.”  Check out these passages – Luke 14:28-30, Ecc. 2:11, and Prov. 11:1.

Sometimes it’s not the monetary cost, it may be time, or having to say no to other things later, because you committed to this. Sometimes it’s rest, time in the Bible, you name it – the cost of saying YES is high and before we say it we should consider if we are willing to make that commitment for ourselves and sometimes for our families also!

Recently, I reflected on this year and thanked the Lord for the work He had been doing in me to start learning to say No.  Now, by no means have I perfected this … I still struggle, but I’m working on it.  I’m working on being honest with people about my limitations, because honestly that’s something I don’t want anyone to think I have. Now that’s just sinful pride right? we all have limitations, why do I feel that I should hide that? No idea my friends, but it’s almost hardwired into me. So I’m a work in progress.

But this work in progress said no earlier this year. About six months ago I said no to a wonderful opportunity and something that took me a couple of days to respond back to because I was trying to justify, work out an angle, anything to be able to say yes and feel right about it. But the Holy Spirit wouldn’t let me. I knew deep down in my core I shouldn’t accept the offer, and eventually told them no.

I was disappointed because it would have been wonderful. Something that would have been work, but would have been enjoyable and I would have loved it.

What I didn’t know is what God knew.  In His omniscience, He knew that in June I would be working on a new book that I hadn’t even proposed yet.  He knew that I would be on a short deadline, and I would have either had to say no to the book deal, or I would have been a literal crazy person trying to accomplish both BIG things not to mention doing life with my family.

I’m so grateful that I listened this time and trusted there was a reason I needed to say No. I really cannot imagine if I had said yes.  There would be regret. There would be a huge emotional toll. The cost would have been far greater than I thought at that time. God in His provision spared me the pain. My friend Dawn Owens recently released a new book Like Me or Not dealing with an approval addiction.  She drills down into how this looks and manifests itself, and then shows how wrong it is by using Scripture to reveal the dangers in this behavior.  The thing is she does it in a very real way.  She lays out her life, her experiences, and her pain in the process of detailing how this has affected her life.  If you struggle with your no’s, you will benefit from reading her story and her challenges to let God deal with your heart.  You can purchase it at a variety of book stores or click the link to get it on Amazon.

Do you struggle with saying No? Do you like to be a yes girl like me, always volunteering and saying yes, even when you know deep down you should say no?  There’s tremendous freedom in learning to trust the Lord and lean on His wisdom.

I pray that you are encouraged today to take responsibility for the “yes” and “no” answers you face today.

 

 

Saying Yes When You’d Rather Say No

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by Angela Jamison

While I was basking in the Friday afternoon quiet before the kids arrived home from school, my phone rang. I had plans to sleep in the next day as well as enjoy the freedom that comes with having nothing on the calendar, but the caller quickly thwarted those plans when they asked for a favor. Not a favor of insignificance, but a favor of the magnitude that would claim my entire day, cost me money and be rather exhausting.

I wanted to say no.

I wanted to say no and sleep in. I wanted to say no and go to the pool or stay in my pajamas until noon. I wanted to say no, but the word “absolutely” came out instead.

After I made the commitment, the phrase “the hands and feet of Jesus” ran through my head. It was incessant, evading the possibility of grasping for understanding. I mumbled it out loud, wrote it down and became frustrated with my inability to see the significance of the phrase in my current day.

Then someone said to me, “You are being the hands and feet of Jesus and even if the situation does not go as planned, you have to know that those around you are seeing Jesus in you.”

I’m the hands and feet of Jesus. You are the hands and feet of Jesus. We are the hands and feet of Jesus. I’ve used the phrase before and even said it to my own children, but it never felt so powerful.

What exactly does it mean to be the hands and feet of Jesus, though? We easily think of cliche Christian volunteerism like feeding the homeless or going on mission trips and although those things are important and necessary, they’re directly linked to church and not our mundane every day lives.

Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.

1Peter 4:10 NIV

In our daily grind it is much more difficult to actively be the hands and feet of Jesus. We get tied up in work, school, kids, ball games, traffic and stress and we simply ignore the call to serve others. We relate the phrase to the big to-dos of volunteering like described above and we miss the ever-present, simple opportunities to share Jesus’ love. We often say no because life is overwhelming and the reality is, we should say yes.

Being the hands and feet of Jesus is saying yes when you’d rather say no.

It’s hard! Believe me, I recognize the difficulty as I struggle to balance four children, a full time job and writing on the side. We can all claim understanding as each of our lives has its own plethora of struggles, but if we all continue saying no, what happens to the body of Christ?

Nothing.

Nothing happens to the body of Christ. It does not grow and He is not glorified.

Being the hands and feet of Jesus does not have to be an over-the-top act. It simply needs to be a genuine desire to show the love of our Savior. My moment of obedience came from a day trip that I’d rather not have taken. It came from saying yes when I wanted to say no.

Your moment of obedience may come from helping someone who has wronged you when you’d rather see them struggle or taking an extra minute to hold the door for a stranger when you’re already running late.

God does not call us to always be extravagant, He calls us to be obedient.

Today, I pray that you are presented the opportunity to be obedient, to be the hands and feet of Jesus. I pray you choose to say yes even if you really want to say no.

 

headshotAngela Jamison is a mother of four and works with young children as the Director of a Christian Preschool. She derives joy from children and is passionate about connecting with mothers to encourage and reiterate God’s design for the toughest job on Earth. 

 After struggling with infertility, Angela and her husband entered the world of foster care and began the journey to create their family on God’s terms

When she is not entertaining children, or buying LulaRoe, Angela loves to read, write and explore the path being laid before her by the most perfect parent, our Heavenly Father.

Read more of Angela’s writing and journey at www.angelajamison.com

Monday Mornings for Moms

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My children all were once so small,

Now they are so very tall.

Some days were long and filled with tears,

Others filled with laughter now passed in years.

The seasons come, the seasons go

As we drive them to and fro.

Lean in sweet mama and hear me say,

“You’ve got just one job to do today.”

Love them hard and love them well,

Listen to each tale they tell.

Soon you’ll miss this precious face,

Respond to the challenge filled with grace.

They won’t remember each meal you make,

But they will recall the time you take,

To help them feel special and safe,

because of the smiles you share and the love you display.

By Victoria Duerstock

©2018

40 Days of Decreasing Mom Guilt

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by Angela Jamison

Mom guilt, the sinking feeling deep in your gut that you’re completely failing your children, scarring them for life and certainly destroying their future. The desperation to do everything right in your attempt to raise decent human beings. Mom guilt, the plague that attacks each and every one of us at some point in our lives regardless of the age of our children.

If you read that first paragraph and don’t connect with my definitions of mom guilt, kudos to you! Unfortunately though, I think more of you than not will be nodding your head in agreement. Mom guilt is something we don’t ask for, but oftentimes receive in abundance. The worst part – it’s self-inflicted!

As I thought about the Lenten season and how I can spend forty days growing closer to God, I thought about my mom guilt. Mom guilt decreases the joy I should be experiencing, takes my eyes off the One who gifted my precious children and does not honor the job I’ve been designed to do.

As many of you give up chocolate, soda or donate a piece of clothing each day, I am spending my forty days decreasing the mom guilt. I’ve created a list of ten ways to help decrease mom guilt and slowly but surely, I hope to find myself embracing the call of motherhood with more joy. Slowly but surely you can too!

  • Believe you are doing a good job. It’s wonderful to be told from time to time that we are doing great at this motherhood gig, but you need to actually believe it. Trust your instincts, root your actions in love and believe in yourself. God designed you for this path.
  • Don’t sweat the small stuff. The dishes in the sink, laundry on the counter and floors that haven’t been vacuumed do not define you; they are not the indicator of your success or failure.
  • Take a break from Pinterest (and social media). Comparison is an instigator for mom guilt!
  • Create an identity outside of your children. It is ok (and healthy!) to have a passion or hobby outside of your children. Allow yourself the freedom to be more than a mom.
  • Take a deep breath, walk away, respond. When we allow our emotions to run freely, we overact. Overreaction leads to delayed mom guilt when we’ve come down from the moment and realize we just needed to breathe.
  • Do the chores … or don’t. These moments with your children are fleeting, enjoy them. The chores can wait, but on the flip side, it’s a necessary evil and doing housework doesn’t mean you’re neglecting your children.
  • Find a balance. Your balance will be different from mine and from your best friend; it will be uniquely yours. When you find it, hold tight and know life is a constant juggling act and you will occasionally drop a ball or two. That’s ok!
  • Check your expectations. We often have high expectations of ourselves that leak over into the expectations for our children. We need to remember they are in fact just children learning how to navigate the tricky waters of this world.
  • Limit multi-tasking. Multi-tasking has become our enemy as we try to accomplish more than one thing at a time. We then find ourselves in a rut of mediocrity instead of a cloud of accomplishment. I say limit because eliminating would be nearly impossible, however, we can be conscious of concentrating on one thing at a time, specifically when it comes to listening and spending time with our children.
  • Have grace. Motherhood is not for the weak of heart! Grace for yourself and for your children is imperative. You won’t be perfect and neither will they, but offering grace allows you to continue and try again.

Motherhood is difficult enough without the added baggage of mom guilt we tend to carry around in our handbag. We need the grace and love of ourselves as much as we do that of our perfect Father. I pray the next forty days allows you to focus on the beauty of the job God designed for you, drawing you closer to Him through the decreasing of your mom guilt.

You are doing a good job! Believe it.